Negative Nancy

jon and i are headed home soon, and truthfully i don't think it can come soon enough. not because we are just that homesick, but because of how negative we've become while being here. lately it's been really difficult to stay positive while being here. things that never really bothered us before, just really little things have been getting the best of our emotions and our hearts. it's like i can physically feel my heart hardening in my body. the arteries tensing up, the valves slowly cementing themselves, no feeling whatsoever. 

i just feel that sometimes it's easier to not "feel" to just become a wall. i don't want to be understanding, i don't want to say "oh well i'm in another country i guess it's ok." truthfully i want to be selfish, and i've almost been wanting to be negative. 

the weird part is, in the past, i've never been a negative person. i've usually always been the upbeat, things will get better kind of gal. let's just say korea has stripped me of that. and i've fully let it strip of that joy. the more i think  about, the more it makes me sad that i've let that joy go, and haven't been finding joy where i used to.  i've really seen how i do under the circumstances of not having a community. i've been learning that my joy can only come from one place, and i'm wondering if thats where i got it before or if i relied on other people to gain that joy. i need to go back to the source of ultimate joy and not rely on the people around me. i won't always have my friends, family, and amazing community that i did at home, i definitely don't have any of that in korea, and there are no guarantees that i'll have it anywhere else. 

so it's time to get back to the source of joy, life, and freedom. time to really connect with God and realize my need for him, because i'm realizing it isn't just a want, it's a necessity. 

pray for positive thinking and enjoyment over the next few weeks!