new blog

sorry folks this blog is closed for business... but you can read all about Jon and I on our new blog

http://jsstainbrook.blogspot.com/

torn

  there are so many days when i feel so completely torn about life.  days when i feel every single bit of pressure society puts on me to buy a house, get my master's degree, have a baby, and have a 5 year plan. and then there are days that i want nothing more than to keep living abroad, exploring the world, and living a completely non-typical/non-cookie cutter life.  and to be honest i don't think there is anything wrong with getting a higher degree, a baby, or buying a house etc. but i think it's the fact that you aren't considered successful if you don't have these things. jon and i were talking to one of our good friends the other day and just discussed all the pressure we feel sometimes to succeed. we have so many successful people in our families and our friends and we still really don't have much of a clue of what we'd like to be doing. i know one day that i really do want to get my master's degree, heck my dream is to get my phd. and i want children so badly sometimes, but i know right now is not the time. 

   i truly wonder though if i will ever feel ok living a typical life, i truly don't believe we are meant to live one type of lifestyle. i don't think God created us to to just get married, have kids, and have a career. I feel that there is a much bigger picture and that God doesn't believe in one cookie cutter for success. i think that anytime we are living the life he has guided us toward we are successful, and this life is different for everyone! which i so appreciate about God, his creativity never ceases to amaze me. i think my frustration lies with humanity, where success and happiness are judged in one way by our material lives. what do we have? what do we make? what can we buy?  break out of the box people realize that there is more than one path and that you don't have to follow the crowd! live life while you can!

anywho... just what's been on my mind lately,  your thoughts?

Weird

so for those of you who didn't know, i'm weird.  i've always had this suspicion that I was, but it wasn't truly confirmed until I came to Korea.  i mean i wear shorts and t-shirts in the summer, and winter jackets in the winter...clearly weird and impractical. i like to sit in the sun and get my skin dirty (tan), i like to keep my promises, and make plans more than an hour in advance, and believe it or not i don't like raw beef, chicken, or clam intestines. but if i didn't realize it after all of these things i have now realized it because i run. yes, that's right, i run. so weird... right??? I get up and go out for a jog in the mornings wearing shorts and a tshirt in the 90 degree morning. when i run, i get followed by cars, i get stares, and yesterday i actually got applause from a group of old men. 

the thing is though, when i'm running i listen to music.. and if you know me.. you know music gets me dancing. so not only do i run, i dance/run. it's a learned art and i've been practicing for years. you wriggle the top half of your body and just feel the music. if i had it my way for some songs i'd probably stop running altogether and just break out dancing, but i wouldn't want to be tooooo weird so i don't. but one of these days those koreans are going to get a real treat when i do :) oh to be weird and in korea...

in other news jon and i are headed to japan today so it may be a while before blogging takes place again!

Practice Makes Perfect....

... unless you are me. then practice just makes you crabby and whiny.  lately jon has been teaching me to play guitar.  i actually told him he had too, because i've been wanting to learn for a long time.  i will say that jon is an excellent teacher. he is patient, kind, encouraging, and really wants me to learn. if i were him, i would have shot me by now. seriously all during our practice i'm whining about how much my fingers hurt, how long it's taking me to learn, that my hand is cramping, the song doesn't sound right, etc. and jon calmly tells me it's going to be ok, that it's normal, and that i'll get better. 

this brings me back to my younger days of piano. i LOATHED practicing piano. i procrastinated and thought of every possible thing i could do to get out of practicing, and after 9 years of piano it's obvious that i put no practice or time into it, which makes me feel guilty for all that wasted money. my poor mother tried so hard, sorry mom.  so now i'm convincing myself that this is going to be different, i'm learning the instrument because i WANT to, not because i was made too. but to be honest in the past 12 years or so, not much has changed. i'm still whiny, cranky, and try to avoid it at times. 

hopefully jon will keep on me to learn because i truly do want to learn, i just hate the process. i want instant success, which i would have to say is a typical attitude of a lot of people. we don't want to work at something, or take the time to really put effort in. 

*sigh* so my new goal... learn guitar, learn not to whine, and learn to put in real effort to get the results i want....sooooo off to practice i go, with sore fingers non the less :)

Negative Nancy

jon and i are headed home soon, and truthfully i don't think it can come soon enough. not because we are just that homesick, but because of how negative we've become while being here. lately it's been really difficult to stay positive while being here. things that never really bothered us before, just really little things have been getting the best of our emotions and our hearts. it's like i can physically feel my heart hardening in my body. the arteries tensing up, the valves slowly cementing themselves, no feeling whatsoever. 

i just feel that sometimes it's easier to not "feel" to just become a wall. i don't want to be understanding, i don't want to say "oh well i'm in another country i guess it's ok." truthfully i want to be selfish, and i've almost been wanting to be negative. 

the weird part is, in the past, i've never been a negative person. i've usually always been the upbeat, things will get better kind of gal. let's just say korea has stripped me of that. and i've fully let it strip of that joy. the more i think  about, the more it makes me sad that i've let that joy go, and haven't been finding joy where i used to.  i've really seen how i do under the circumstances of not having a community. i've been learning that my joy can only come from one place, and i'm wondering if thats where i got it before or if i relied on other people to gain that joy. i need to go back to the source of ultimate joy and not rely on the people around me. i won't always have my friends, family, and amazing community that i did at home, i definitely don't have any of that in korea, and there are no guarantees that i'll have it anywhere else. 

so it's time to get back to the source of joy, life, and freedom. time to really connect with God and realize my need for him, because i'm realizing it isn't just a want, it's a necessity. 

pray for positive thinking and enjoyment over the next few weeks!

a new chapter in life

 as most of you know jon and i have a blog set up to tell about all of our travels around asia. this blog is a bit different, it is just for me, to express exactly what the title states.  for those of you who don't know spanish mis pensamientos errantes, means "my wandering thoughts".  i'm going to be honest, if no one reads this i won't be too upset. in the past i've used writing as a way to relieve stress and to put my thoughts in an order. i find i can think much better when i write. feel free to comment, ask questions, state your opinion, whatever you feel.

tonight has been an awakening of sorts. i write about a new chapter in life and find it interesting that this day over 200 years ago my country was also starting a new chapter in life. a life meant to be lived in freedom. that is what i want for this blog, freedom to express what i am thinking, what i am feeling, what i know to be true. and the freedom to do this without judgement from others. 

tonight jon and i had a long and serious discussion on our trip home. we talked about relationship with God and how our past experiences and relationship with each other has changed that primary relationship with our creator. as jon and i discussed and shared what we were thinking and feeling, i realized we are not living the life God wants for any of his children. God created us to be FREE!!! he created us to freely accept him, his grace, and his love! and yet as his children we enslave ourselves with doubt, fear, shame, guilt, and regret.  we wallow in this pit of assumed disappointment and failure and reject the hand that is desperately trying to raise us back up. we reject our freedom and refuse God's grace.  yet in the bible we are told "Where the spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom!" how incredible is that!? God is offering his freedom to us, and i can't figure out why we aren't going out of our way to readily grab it the moment it is offered. why do we hold ourselves back from this incredible gift? why do we knowingly push it away!? is it simply human nature or are we just to scared of what changes may occur in ourselves if we allow ourselves to be free of this world and to completely live in the freedom of the Lord?

i don't really know if i'm expecting an answer, and i truly don't know if there is an answer. i do know that i want freedom, and i want to feel free to accept everything God is offering.